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Think you have got what it takes to work with me?

Then Come and Prove It

Below I have outlined all the criteria and qualifications you need to match if this is going to work. Too much effort? Then stay being average and close your internet browser down now.

SEE IF YOU MEET MY CRITERIA

If you do not reach the standard I have set in any of the categories, if you don’t comply with any of the criteria I have set. Then please come back to me when you have instituted company wide changes to reach these standards and make them happen so we may talk again.

Common sense dictates I should prioritise job offers that fulfil the preferences I have listed. But don’t panic too much if you can’t meet 100% of them. Just let me know exactly what you think your company can offer me instead.

About You

YOU MUST

BE ABLE TO COMMUNICATE

It is paramount you possess strong communication skills and that you can write
and talk correctly. You must also have excellent interpersonal communication skills.
If you can’t tell the difference between “you’re” and “your”, your never going to be
able to get you’re points across to me.

BE PASSIONATE

About your work and the industry you are in. If you absolutely dread going in to work every day, then I will dread being asked to suffer alongside you.

BE UNIQUE

Stand out in your industry and your offer will stand out as well. If I wanted average, the norm, to work with “everybody else”, I’d probably work for somebody else.

About You

YOU SHOULD

LOVE PROBLEMS & CHALLENGES

If you relish in challenges and love taking on new problems then I’ll love you forever. You should also not be afraid of a little nonsense and some debates now and then. I’m easy to get along with, but I can’t promise not to rock the boat on occasion. When a company is growing there will always be new challenges that need to be addressed. If things are running smoothly, that suggests you aren’t growing or improving anymore. And trust me, it won’t always be plain sailing if we want to come out at the end in a better position.

ENCOURAGE NETWORKING

Most high performers encourage others to make new friends, relationships and contacts. Networking opportunities will help me grow and ensure that I constantly have new ideas to change the game and freshen things up. The ideal employment candidate will offer plenty of chances for me to meet new people.

ENCOURAGE OUTSIDE TASKS

I love to travel and visit new places. So if you encouraged me to go outside it would be perfect. To bury this point even further, I also love the great outdoors and hate being stuck inside in the same room for long periods of time if the task I’m working on has no real world benefit and is basically a waste of time. A job that offers many travel opportunities stands a stronger chance of winning me over.

Okay now it’s my turn 

THE FEELINGS HAVE TO BE MUTUAL

Below are some of the points that I am and what I am not. For any relationship to work both parties have to agree. There’s no point in me presenting lots of hurdles if you don’t like what you hear from my side. You might not even want an idiot who makes a website about himself.
About Me

I AM

CREATIVE

If you want things done the way they always have been, following the rules to the tee and never questioning anything, so that no one ever improves then we probably aren’t going to get along. If, on the other hand, you’re always looking for new solutions to old problems, I’d like to hear from you.

A SPONGE

I’m really hoping to learn and soak up new things. If you work in a niche industry and don’t think that I’ll be interested in what you have to offer, do not allow that doubt to prevent you from contacting me; we may both end up pleasantly surprised.

A FEEDBACK MACHINE

If you want the no b.s truthful response to something, I’m the person to come to. I’ll give you the feedback everyone is thinking but are too afraid to say out-loud. I’m also able to respond to any feedback you send my way quickly. One example is that this website was designed by me so it’s easy to receive written responses directly into a mailbox I setup.

AN ACCEPTABLE COOK 

Perfectly capable of creating my own dietary regime to reach my nutritional and exercise goals. So each meal is painstakingly weighed and calculated to get me where I want to be. I can also take care of my own hydration with water and sometimes with the odd hot coffee. I know several of you may take pride in keeping your employee lounge fridges well-stocked, or you may have a full-time chef with a cafeteria but I’m looking for a workplace that offers me something slightly more compelling than free Red Bull or fish and chips.

PRESENTABLE

I dress for success. Successful people have high standards as do I. Dressing well subconsciously changes how you think about your standards. When you radiate an image of self-worth and confidence, people react to you differently. So when I am working, you will see me in my 3 piece suit. It’s just how things should be.

ABLE TO WORK

I’m legally authorised and physically able to work in the United Kingdom on a full-time basis. I won’t come with excuses as to why I can’t make it in on certain days.

A LEADER

A leader in inexperienced professionalism. My years of unemployment have given me many opportunities to avoid picking up bad habits from your competitors.

About Me

I AM MOST DEFINITELY NOT

GOING TO POST A CV HERE

If you really care which computer applications I know how to use, or every single company I have previously worked with and the minute details of every task I accomplished then I can only assume that you’re overlooking my ability to quickly pick up new technologies, transition to different businesses and adjust to new ways of thinking. I would encourage you to correct this, as it is a mistake.

A MONKEY

I will not work for peanuts, no matter how much I might love performing tricks in front of a crowd full of thousands in the arena, cheering and screaming my name. Or whatever it is you’ll have me doing.

A LONE WOLF

Yes although I am capable of working alone and can get a lot of things done quickly this way. And it is true that eagles fly alone. The best results come from teaming up with the best and most talented people on the planet. So that we’re like a pack of lions, chasing after the same prey with a viciousness and decisiveness that makes others cower in fear. Also in a group, you want the strengths of others to compliment your weaknesses and vice versa. It works out for everyone. Allowing the task to be completed as fast as humanly possible.

A MERCENARY

There are many things I am willing to do to further my professional career and life. But I will only consider tackling jobs which are legal, moral and ethical. It doesn’t matter how much you would pay me. Life is too short and important for some things.

A MINDLESS ROBOT

There is a saying some companies use; you’re not paid to think. I’m sorry but I do have a brain and will not be treated as just another number. As a side note I do also have a sense of humour, and I hope that you do as well. 1100110100011110…

A ROBOT, AGAIN…

Any automated messages that find their way into my inbox will be immediately deleted; your propaganda is not welcome here, please fry your memory chips you mechanical scum.

OPPOSED TO RELOCATING

The world is a huge place. There is lots to explore. This point is especially true if your job offer will place me somewhere more exciting than Bromsgrove, England. (spoiler alert: it probably will).

Are you ready to stop procrastinating and take action?

Complete my application form and let’s form a team. Let’s take on the world together and make your competitors bow down to the storm in the marketplace you will be creating.

Start Your Application